Brandon Puff

Associate Editor

Articles by Brandon Puff

• Looking Back: The Best And Worst Moments Of The Year That I Spent Drunk Driving

• What To Say When Your Children Ask Why Santa Clause Did Nothing To Prevent 9/11

• Want To Make Your Christmas A Little More Fun This Year? Try Leaving Some Cocaine Out For Tim Allen On Christmas Eve

• New Study Shows Nearly Sixty Three Percent Of All American Children Now Asking Santa To Bring Them Bulletproof Vests

• Insider Report Shows Nearly Fifty Percent Of Remaining Workforce At Twitter Being Used To Optimize Musk's Ego

• Gallagher’s Funeral Comes To A Tearful End As Mourners Watch His Head Get Crushed By Mallet

• OPINION: If Bigfoot Hunting Is So ‘Childish’ Then Why Have So Many Children Died Doing It?

• Why I Left Behind The Life Of Hedge Fund Management To Pursue My True Passion Of Bigfoot Hunting

• OPINION: If Bigfoot Hunting Is So ‘Childish’ Then Why Have So Many Children Died Doing It?

• 5 Reasons Why My Lifelong Pursuit Of Bigfoot Isn’t A Waste Of Time And Resources

• 4 Times I Thought I Saw Bigfoot But It Was Just A Corpse

• The Secret To Pleasuring Women? Never Interacting With Them

• Netflix Shuts Down Streaming Service Until You Get Yourself A Hobby

• Does Torture Work? This Torture Expert We Talked To Really Hopes So

• Several Months Later Americans Wonder If It Was Really Necessary For Will Smith To Hit His Children So Hard At The Oscars After Party?

• Did I Get Really High Before Writing This Article: Absolutely Not, This Is A Perfectly Normal Article

• San Francisco To Begin New Program Aimed At Hiding All The Homeless Behind Really Big Bushes

• Are Modern Men More Lonely Than Ever Before? I Mean, This Study Says So But I Feel Perfectly Fine

• Slightly Poor Weather Leaves Thousands Of Wimps Stuck Indoors

• How To Protect Your Family From Their Greatest Threat: Yourself

• Modern Warrior Receives Viking Funeral After Overdosing On Alpha Brain

• Five Of The Hottest Speakeasy Abortion Clinics Coming To A Neighborhood Near You

• How I Transformed My A Failing Company Into One That Was Completely Bankrupt In Less Than A Year

• Time For Honesty: There’s A Kid Leaning On The Railing At The Zoo And I Hope He Falls In

• Leaked CIA Documents Reveal Former Director For The Agency Used To Steal Lunches From The Break Room

• Watch Out Atheists - A Big Fat Fossilized Turd Was Just Found In Jerusalem And The Science Says It Belongs To Jesus

• Whoops: America Sent China Nearly 30 Billion In Military Aid And Now We Need To Ask For It Back

• CEOs Everywhere Demand Workers Return To The Office Because They Are Extremely Lonely Without Them

• My Truth: I Vaccinated My Children And Three Months Later I Drowned Them

• We Programmed This AI To Develop A Cure For Cancer But It Wrote Another Season Of Seinfeld Instead

• Elon Musk Backs Out Of Shared Custody Deal

• Steven Crowder Begins Debating Wife On The Definition Of ‘Cheating’

• I’ve Got A Safe Space Alright, It’s At The Bottom Of This Whiskey Bottle

• How Going To A Punk Concert In My Late Thirties Taught Me To Hate My Lame Ass Parents

• Economic Experts Advise Americans Not To Panic Until Their Doomsday Bunkers Are Finished

• Unpublished Tolkien Writings Reveal Frodo Touched Himself Every Night During His Journey To Mordor

• Climate Scientists Warn Meat Consumption Must Be Brought Down By 70% Or We Will Need To Brace For More Diarrhea

• Anchor Baby? This Immigrant Mother Gave Birth To A Ten Thousand Pound Child

• Man Pulled Over For Traffic Stop Unaware He Is About To Commit Suicide By Cop

• Ten Pokemon That Your Son Is Allowed To Like While Maintaining His Masculinity

• Report: Genocidal Warlord Can’t Continue His Onslaught Without Having Morning Coffee

• What's Next For Kanye? Friends Close To Him Say An Album Dedicated To Leonard Nimoy For Some Reason

• Dude… What If The Entirety Of This Universe Was Contained Within This Single-Article?

• Elon Musk Set To Become First Sex Offender On Mars

• Ancient Evil Awakens, Hits Snooze Button

• Breaking: Aging Celebrity You Assumed Was Dead Is Now Actually Dead

• New Jersey Set To Become First State To Legalize Quoting The Sopranos In Public

• Real-Life Good Will Hunting? This University Janitor Gets Into Bar Fights Almost Every Night

• So You Wish To Own This Honda Accord Two Thousand And Three? Then Your Firstborn Child You Must Promise To Me (Guest Article By Used Car Salesman Witch)

• From Fat To Fit: How I Lost Nearly Two Hundred Pounds By Getting A Massive Brain Tumor Removed

• Jeff Bezos Announces Amazon Will Begin Outsourcing Worker's Suicidal Thoughts Starting Early 2023

• Friendly Man Goes Door To Door To Assure Neighbors He Is Not A Sex Offender

• Report: Biden Said Something About Starting Nuclear Armageddon, We Weren’t Really Paying Attention

• Hey Sherlock! Here's A Deduction! You're A Nerd Who Doesn't Get Laid

• Amber Alert Issued For Child Whose Parents Aren't So Smug Now

• LAPD’s New Training Video Just VHS Copy Of Lethal Weapon 2

• What Does Bitcoin Taste Like? These Tech Experts Want Me To Stop Asking

• Letting Go Of The Past: Why I Sold My High School Football Trophies To Pay For My Fentanyl Addiction

• My Experience Tripping On Shitake Mushrooms In The Forests Of Colorado

• How Handguns Have Changed The Way People Are Playing Chess

• How Crossing My Legs Eventually Made My Penis Fall Off

• Stop Making Our Youth Weak - Let Babies Sleep Outside

• Inspiring? Your High School Friend Who Dropped Out Of College Just Spent His Savings On An NFT

• Living Off The Grid: How To Survive With Just A House, An Internet Connection And Modern Utilities

• Is He Gay? What It Means When Your Son Opens A Bakery With Their Loving Husband

• Elon Musk Abandons Plans To Colonize Mars After Finding Out Tax Rates Are Higher There

• Study Finds STD Rate Amongst Elderly Directly Correlated To How Cool They Are

• Federal Government Approves Plan To Provide Teachers With Two Additional Pizza Parties Each Year

• Old Timey Cartoon With Racist Jokes Includes Disclaimer Explaining People Were “Cooler” Back Then

• Parents Terrified To Learn Daniel Day-Lewis Has Been Cast As A Pedophile In Upcoming Film

• Queen Elizabeth Cuts Prince Andrew Off From Royal Adrenochrome Supply As Punishment For Recent Embarrassments

• Man Arrested At Border Attempting To Smuggle In His Lame Personality

• How To Defend Yourself Against A Woman Trying To Get An Abortion

• Jesus Returns To Earth To Retrieve Phone Charger He Left Behind

• A Win For Men? These Scientists Are Painting Hotrod Flames On Sperm Cells

• Extra Extra! Read All About It! Digital Media Replaces The Need For Paper Boys!

• Uh Oh! Sesame Street Just Gave Kids The Talk About How To Topple The Government By Any Means Necessary

• 270 Doctors Sign Letter Urging Public To Stop Listening To Joe Rogan And Try Their Medical History Podcast Instead

• Why I Started Stabbing My Drywall Rather Than Just Punching Holes In It

• Webb Telescope Predicted To Capture Incredible High Definition Photos Of Saturn’s Cleavage

• How To Talk To Your Child About The Global Pedophilic Cabal

• Marvel Reveals Phase Four Of Its Takeover Of The Ukrainian Government

• Pope Says Choosing Family Over The New Dyson Twelve Speed Blender Now Available For Only 49.99 Is Selfish And Irresponsible

• OPINION: Dating a Liberal Is a Bad Idea, Especially When They Have Chainsaws for Arms

• How to Talk to Your Coworkers About Sex Without Revealing You’ve Only Had It Once

• Guide To Drinking: How To Stay Classy Even Though You Just Pissed Your Pants

• Five Unlikely Team-Ups That Would Shake The World

• Five Manly Activities to Enjoy So the Awful Dandies in the London Streets Don’t Imply You Are Nothing More Than Cranberry Flavored Pansy Pie

• Man Stoked to Learn There Is an Entire Country Based on ‘The Sopranos’

• 5 Dwayne Johnson Quotes That Prove He Is An Absolute Warrior King

• Gas Prices Soar as Biden Gnaws on Pipline

• American Testosterone Levels Rise By 300% Following Release Of Kid Rock Music Video

• PR Disaster Averted: This Company Put Googly Eyes On Their Robot Gun Dog

• How I Survived a Bear Attack by Living Far Away From Any Bears

• Potential Red Flag? This Woman Has No Interest in Dating Me

• Ten Dangerous Items To Be On The Lookout For In Your Children’s Halloween Candy This Year

• Jim Davis Finally Speaks On Garfield’s Opinion On The New Chappelle Special

• LIFE HACK: Assert Your Dominance at the Pool by Pissing in It

• OPINION: My Wife Would Never Cheat On Me Because I’m Not Married and Have No Plans to Be

• OPINION: James Bond Should Be a Woman with Big Fat Juicy Titties and an Incredibly Fat Ass

• Case Closed? This Mom Thinks The Zodiac Killer Might Be A Black Kid That Hangs Out Near Her Local Walmart

• OPINION: Having The Faces On Mount Rushmore So Close Together Is Gay

• Local Applebee’s Deemed Monument To Capitol Rioters

• These 27 Vitamins And Supplements Will Replace The Need For Diet And Exercise

• The Founding Fathers Ranked By How Nicely They Treated Their Slaves

• I Have Definitive Proof That Hilary Clinton Killed My Goldfish In The 8th Grade

• The Wild Man’s Guide To Starting A Fire With Help From Your Dad

• How To Decide Which Movie Character To Base Your Personality On

• How To Be Confident Enough To Approach Women And Make Them Feel Uncomfortable

• Sure, The Wildfires Might Seem Bad, But They’re Actually Really Cool Looking

• My Girlfriend Is On Her Period So I’m Writing This Article Until It’s Over

• What Women Want: Guest Article Written by a Man

• How To Survive Prison By Having Daddy Get You A Really Good Lawyer

• If I Were Jesus, The Romans WOULD NOT Have Crucified Me

• Liberal Media Corrupting Youth by Teaching Them Love and Kindness

• Punching Holes in Walls: The Healthier Alternative To Crying