Heartbreaking: This Man’s Girlfriend Forced Him to Learn about Skincare

Like many other twenty-something men, Jared Maxwell used to be clueless about skincare. He couldn’t tell a toner from a moisturizer, a face mask from a pimple patch. But after much prodding from his girlfriend Rebecca, he’s been forced to learn the ins and outs of skincare. 

Heartbreaking.

“I don’t even know how it happened,” Jared said despondently. “One day, I was using 5-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, body wash, toothpaste, and deodorant, and the next I was using Hyaluronic Acid on my face. Do you know what Hyaluronic Acid is? I do. It’s a clear substance that helps trap the moisturizer in your skin instead of merely on top of it. God, what have I become?!?” At this point, Jared looked like he might cry. But instead, he leaned his head back, trapping the tears in his eyes. “I don’t want to mess up the PH levels of my skin,” he explained. 

Jared then opened what appeared to be a linen closet, and ushered us inside. The walls weren’t visible but instead covered by towering stacks of various lotions and vials. “My girlfriend got me all of these. Her job is next to a Sephora, so every day after work she stops and gets me a new product. Then, when she gets home, we have an in-depth discussion about the product’s ingredients, use, environmental impact, and how it will affect our relationship. They usually last about two hours. She calls them our ‘Skin Seminars.” 

After that, Jared walked us through his skincare routine, which he knew in amazing detail, a fact that seemed to greatly upset him. “First I cleanse my face with this,” he said,

pointing to an industrial gallon-sized jug of Cerave facial cleanser just sitting on the floor, then I exfoliate, apply anti-aging cream, activated charcoal, toner, shea butter, argan oil, exfoliate again, apply a homemade poultice made of wild basil that I hunted myself directly to my eyes, exfoliate one more time, then use Hyaluronic Acid and moisturizer. I hate myself and anxiously await the sweet embrace of death.”