Quiz: Is Your Thanksgiving Costume Racist?

11/23/2021 by Caleb Townsend

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, many of us are asking a very important question this year: is my Thanksgiving costume racist? 

For years, we were free to wear whatever we want, whenever we want. But now, thanks to political correctness, or cancel culture, or critical race theory, or some combination of the three, my family is getting mad at me for wearing costumes that are “too offensive”. 

In fact, ever since my daughter came back from her brainwashing internment camp (or as she calls it, college), my whole family has been eschewing tradition and rebelling against my festive holiday spirit. They say things like “Dad, please, Thanksgiving isn’t for another two weeks, please don’t make me wear this turkey costume to school again,” or “honey, Sam is getting beaten up at school because you keep making him wear a pilgrim costume, please let him take it off.” 

Now personally, I’m going to let you know up front that I don’t think any costumes are racist, no matter what my wife, my neighbors, the local Hillandale Park Library employees, or my AA sponsor says. However, I’ve put together this little quiz of popular Thanksgiving costumes I’ve worn in the past. It’s your job to guess and see what you think my family will say. So let’s see if you’re any better than me. Put your money where your mouth is and see if you pass their endlessly shifting definition of “Racism.”

Is This Turkey Costume Racist?

A: Honey, look downstairs. Do you notice that no one else is dressed up? Now please, help me with the turkey. Your grandparents are going to be here any second and I could really use some help in the kitchen.

Is This Native American Costume Racist?

A: Please get Fiona out of that. It’s very offensive. No, I don’t care what Tucker said, as far as I know, Tucker isn’t going to be here tonight so why don’t you pay attention to your family instead of running upstairs and doing a series of costume changes.

Is This Sexy Pilgrim Costume Racist?

A: Honey, I’m not wearing that to bed. You haven’t touched me in months. Now everyone is arriving and I need you to go upstairs, put your pants on, and entertain our guests.

Is This Jew Costume Racist?

A: Dad, for the last time, the Jews were not part of Thanksgiving. They did not manufacture Plymouth rock as a psyop, they did not put GMOs in the corn to feminize the pilgrims, and they did not plan for Thanksgiving to become a holiday so they could force people to eat birds instead of pork. MOM, he’s wearing the Jew costume again!

Is This Snake Charmer Costume Racist?

A: Honey, what the fuck is wrong with you. This isn’t even tangentially related. Please stop moving the snake like that. I’m so sorry. He’s not usually like this. Please don’t leave. The turkey’s almost done.

Is This Tampon Costume Racist?

A: I’m leaving you. We’re staying at my sister’s for the weekend. You have a week to move your stuff around. Please stop pouring ketchup all over yourself. No, I don’t find it disgusting. That’s how bodies work. It just seems sexist. No, I said sexist, not racist, you idiot. You know what, just stop. Just-please. Goodbye.