Caleb Townsend

Co-Founder/Co-Editor-in-Chief

Concerned patriot; Muppets enthusiast; An avid Black Riflee Coffee drinker for life, Caleb spends most of his time Tweeting about M&M identity politics and is working tireelssly to impeach Obama. His job made him get the vaccine but for posterity's sake, we'd prefer if you don't repeat that to too many people.

Articles by Caleb Townsend

• Israel and Palestine Release Joint Statement Denouncing “Velma”

• Opinion: If AI Art Takes Off Then Who Will Buy My BDSM-Themed Ratatouille Drawings?

• “My Spotify Listening Habits Are None Of Your Business” Says Loser Who Has Awful Taste In Music

• We Ranked The Halloween Candies Based On How Likely They Are To Feminize Your Son

• Opinion: It’s Not a Racist Costume, This Is Just How I Dress

• Nation Sighs In Relief As Kanye Lowers Threat Level Against Jews To “Deathcon 4”

• Stoners Beware: Kids Are Putting Candy In Your Drugs

• If Bigfoot Isn’t Real Then Why Did We Write So Many Articles About Him Last Week?

• We Asked A Man On Meth If He Believes In Bigfoot And He Stole My Wallet

• Bigfoot Or Sasquatch? My Wife Doesn’t Care, She Just Wants Me To Pick Up Our Son From Soccer

• Opinion: It's Not Cheating. It's Quiet Dumping

• Polyamorous Quintuple Struggles To Decide Where To Eat

• 5 Andrew Tate Quotes Guaranteed To Get You Out Of Jury Duty

• Alex Jones Gives Grave Message: “This Country Is Doomed Unless Everyone Buys My New Book”

• 5 Recipes To Use Up All The Relish In Your Fridge

• HBO Max Revels 5-Year-Plan To Completely Erase Their Entire Library

• Universal Invests In Mama Mia Cinematic Universe, To Produce 19 Musicals Only Featuring ABBA Songs

• Local Movie Theater Promises Amazing Industry Connections Selling Popcorn

• Poll: 100% Of CEOs Agree That The Best Work Culture Strategy Is A Culture Of Fear

• Trump Supporters Burn Their Female Body Inspector T-Shirts In Protest

• Alex Jones Ordered By Judges To Stop Pitching Alpha Brain Plus During His Testimony

• Top Five Cutest Child Stars Of The 90s And The Horrific Ways Each Of Them Died

• Democrats Give Message To Those Affected By New Voting Restrictions: 'Vote Harder'

• Media Disappointed To Find Out New Mass Shooter's Politics Are 'Down The Center'

• Self Proclaimed ‘Jack Of All Trades’ Is Still Working At The Grocery Store

• Dad Asserts His Dominance By Bringing His Own Grill To The Barbecue

• 5 Jokes My Girlfriend Won’t Let Me Tell - But You’re Cool, Right?

• CENSORSHIP? I Was Banned From My Local Library For Exposing Myself

• Oh God, I Forgot To Call Dad Yesterday For Juneteenth

• National Parks Display Rainbow after Thunderstorm In Shameless Pride Month Promotion

• Conservatives Warn Drag Shows Are Grooming Kids To Become Lady Gaga Fans

• TRAGIC: Man Has To Find A New Show To Watch As Depp Trial Comes To A Close

• Man Devoured After Attempting To Live With Lions In Celebration Of Pride Month

• Man Celebrates Memorial Day By Getting So Drunk He Can't Remember The Night Before

• FINALLY: Congress Comes Together To Put Restrictions On Depp-Heard Trial

• Infant Shortage Strikes Just As Baby Formula Shortage Resolves Itself

• Elon Musk Cleared Of Sexual Misconduct Allegations After Presenting A Written Statement With Laugh Emojis

• 5 Alvin And The Chipmunks Songs To Get Her In The Mood

• Ted Cruz Deters Protestors Outside His Home By Standing At Window Naked

• EXCLUSIVE: Guy Who Skimmed One Article Reveals “Everything He Knows” About The Depp Trials

• "The Media is Really Messing Kids Up," Says Man Who Makes His Children Watch Saving Private Ryan Yearly

• WHO Urges Environmentally Conscious Individuals to Recycle Microplastics By Gathering Them In The Kidneys

• Petco Receives Backlash For Grooming Allegations

• How To Fight Against The Deep State And Cancel Your Disney+ Subscription (With A Little Help From Your Grandson)

• Local Father Repeats Ketchup Joke, Assured Waitress Will Laugh This Time

• Who Is Ketanji Brown Jackson? What’s Her Deal? Does She Like Beer?

• Concerned Parents Upset After Viewing ‘Turning Red’: “How Am I Supposed To Explain 2000s Boy Bands To My Children?”

• Netflix Tests New Feature That Will Raise Prices When You Have A Friend Over To Watch With You

• Boston Residents Hold St. Patrick’s Day Brawl In The Streets In Solidarity With Ukraine

• Inspiring? Your High School Friend Who Dropped Out Of College Just Spent His Savings On An NFT

• My Wife Keeps Complaining About Inflation And Gas But She’s The One Who Keeps Feeding Me Burritos

• 17 Movies That Will Make You Say ‘There’s No Way I’m Reading This Entire Article’

• Helpful Boyfriend Informs Girlfriend That Batman Is Bruce Wayne

• Man Bravely Stands With US Sanctions, Takes Martini With Gin Instead Of Vodka

• 5 Chain Restaurants Ranked By How Long It Took For Them To Kick Me Out

• ADVICE: So The Bengals Lost The Superbowl And You Broke Your TV In A Drunken Stupor

• Man Bravely Continues Arguing After Learning That George Orwell Didn’t Write Idiocracy

• Take Your Paleo Diet To The Next Level By Grunting and Throwing Your Feces At Strangers

• 5 Movies That Are So Good, She Will Fall Asleep

• Virgins and Chads: The 12 Disciples Ranked By How Based They Are

• How To Trick Women Into Sleeping With You By Treating Them With Respect

• ‘I Refuse To Watch SNL Anymore,’ Says Man Who’s Never Seen SNL

• “Igh Trus Migh Immune Syseem,” Says Man Currently Having Stroke

• Conservative Man Anxiously Counting Days Until Next Culture War Holiday

• A Look At Kyle Rittenhouse’s New Sitcom: Ritten In The House

• A Guide To Making Sure Your Girlfriend Understands Comedy By Showing Her Episodes Of Cumtown

• Study Shows Men Who Tweet “Rise and Grind” in Their Twenties Likely to Tweet “Wake and Bake” in Their Thirties

• 3 New Netflix Comedies That Couldn’t Be Made Today

• 3 Other Celebrities Who Went to Their Old High School to Berate the Student Body

• OPINION: How Come There’s No White Friday?

• Quiz: Is Your Thanksgiving Costume Racist?

• How to Talk About the Rittenhouse Case This Thanksgiving Without Losing Your Buzz

• Conservatives Around the World Demand Big Bird Be Depicted in the January 6 Insurrection

• Joe Biden Raised Gas Prices and He’s Also the Reason My Car is Impounded

• Man Owns Libs by Dressing up as Wall for 6th Year in a Row

• Facebook Changes Name to “The Facebook”

• OPINION: So Alec Baldwin Can Shoot His Coworker, But When I Do it, It’s a Felony?!

• OPINION: I’m Fine With a Black James Bond but the Woke Mob Better Not Get Near Austin Powers

• The Spartan Mindset: A Mental Guide to Prepare for Your Walmart Greeting Shift

• Home Decor: How to Decorate Your Studio Apartment With Just a Samurai Sword

• Vaccine Alternative? I Injected Myself with Small Doses of the Virus to Acclimate My Body to Covid

• Tired of Black Rifle Coffee? Here’s 5 Other Hot Beverage Brands That Are Also Racist

• Getting Kicked out of the PTA Meeting and Other Ways I’m Like Rosa Parks

• Move Over Cigarettes! Ivermectin is the Newest, Hottest Prison Currency

• Complimentary Breadsticks: The Result of Communism or Critical Race Theory?

• 10 Other Animal Dewormers Joe Rogan Has Also Taken

• BREAKING: The Libs Want to Abolish ICE and Make You Enjoy Your Drinks at Room Temperature

• 6 Muppets That Would Stand up for Freedom and Refuse the Vaccine

• Confession: I Only Date Men Who Can Explain Math Rock to Me

• Scary! Report States Covid Is Both a Hoax and a Chinese Bioweapon

• I Bought a DILDO to Own the…Libs? Or Something? I Lost Track of What’s Happening.

• Big Tech Crackdown?! My Computer Stopped Working After I Poured Mountain Dew On It

• Big Tech Crackdown?! My Computer Stopped Working After I Poured Mountain Dew On It

• SHOCKING: 103-Year-Old Smoker Who Skydives Found Dead, 2 Days After Taking Vaccine

• Make Your Dick Bigger (and Then Significantly Smaller) in 2 Easy Steps

• 5 Feminist Movies to Watch With Your Girlfriend That Are Actually Pretty Hot

• How to Have Safe Sex With Your Vaccinated Girlfriend

• Scary! Sharia Law and Socialism Somehow Both Right Around the Corner

• Aging Gracefully: 5 2000’s Sitcoms to Grab Onto For Dear Life

• Standing Up to Cancel Culture: Dan Crenshaw Calls for U.S. Olympian to Be Fired for Not Eye-Fucking the Flag Hard Enough

• New Report From InfoWars: Infowars More Accurate Than Any Other News Source

• How to Dump Your Idiot Girlfriend For Not Liking the Same Cartoons You Like

• Is Nothing Sacred?! 5 All-Female Reboots of Movies You Literally Forgot About

• What We Learned From the Fauci Emails We Didn’t Read

• I Want to Support Chick-Fil-A Because I’m Homophobic But Popeye’s Really is Better

• Andy Ngo Speaks Out Against Self Inflicted Antifa Violence

• 85 Comedians Simultaneously Sue Each Other Over Stand Up Special Entitled “Trigger Warning”

• Six Movies That’ll Make you Forget About Emily and Her Stupid New Boyfriend

• Conservative Think Tank Identifies as a Comedy Website

• The 6 Best IPAs to Make You Not Care if She Cums

• Disgusting: Brave Patriot Surgeon Fired After Refusing to Wear Mask During Operation

• Getting Back to Normal: 6 Things to Yell at Random Women Once Masks Are Gone

• Comedian Under Investigation After New Show “Trigger Warning” Results in Death of 8 Audience Members.