The Proper Way to Ice Your Balls After Failing the Milk Crate Challenge
8/30/2021 by David Trajanoski
If you’re a white, hot-blooded, American male aged 17-25, it’s a statistical probability you will attempt the Milk Crate Challenge and consequently fail it, smashing your balls pretty hard in the process.
But fear not! We’re here to advise you on how to maximize the exposure of your viral payload and minimize the damage to your biological payload.
Move Away From the Staircase Before You Ice
The first tip is also the most obvious – do not ice your balls on the first step of the mobile paralysis machine or else you risk a madcap, Zucker Brothers-esque stampede of friends attempting the challenge in your humiliating wake, stepping on your scrotum and further compounding the problem. Common sense didn’t get you here, but it can certainly get you out!
Do Not Ice Your Balls With Rapper Ice Cube
His name may confuse you, but Ice Cube is not actually a small cube of ice you can use to soothe your nuts. Rather he is an NWA founding member and rap legend. He is a busy man with a family, and he will be very annoyed if you interrupt his schedule to get him to sit on your lap, which is sure to leave you with even sorer nuts and multiple black eyes to boot.
Use A Unionized Ice Bagger
Ice Baggers are a dying breed, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to see them go the way of Bowling Pin Setters or Human Alarm Clocks. You owe it to this noble profession (as well as your own swollen balls) to use a union-certified bagman. Otherwise, you run the risk of using a bag with holes finding yourself holding an empty shriveled bag against your own empty shriveled bag.
Play Classical Music
Classical music is used to soothe babies in the womb. It’s a fact that life starts at preconception, so logic dictates the same rules apply to your busted-up sperm.
Keep Away From Farmers
Just because you’re off the Concussion Maker 9000 doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods! Be wary of any farmers that may be passing by as they might see a pair of numb balls and mistake you for a steer primed for castration. Try to situate yourself near something farmers hate, like any restaurant owned by Lisa Vanderpump.
An alternative strategy is to simply not tend to your swollen nuts, as time spent doing that is time not spent attempting the challenge again. And if you think about it, there’s no real downside – either you complete the challenge this time and rack up dozens of TikTok views, or you smash your balls again and you didn’t waste any effort icing them the first time.