What Elon Musk’s Breakup Means for Dogecoin

9/28/2021 by Fred Nelson

Being the savvy investor that you are, you’re probably wondering how external factors are going to influence your Dogecoin portfolio. And, of course, by “external factors,” I mean whatever the fuck our lord and savior, Elon Musk, is doing this week. This is the only sound way to analyze the future of this cryptocurrency. As we already know, Elon recently just got out of a 3-year relationship with evil skeleton witch, Grimes. Though it’s tempting to get distracted by the exciting news that Elon, just like you, is single, this event raises the important question: how will this affect the 200 dollars worth of dogecoin you’ve been talking about for the last 4 months?

Unfortunately, we can’t reach a full conclusion on what this celebrity breakup means to your retirement savings until we understand a few different factors. If we find out that Elon broke up with Grimes, we can pretty much say for certain that Dogecoin is gonna skyrocket. This, of course, is because it reflects that we are in a Bull Market, in which studs, like Elon, are confident enough to dump their goth GFs in search of new goth GFs with larger breasts, then buy copious amounts of cryptocurrency. However if we find out that Grimes left Elon, this means we are in a Bear Market, in which our bros get dumped by their goth GFs, then subsequently sell all of their cryptocurrency. 

All of this being said, even if we find out that Grimes did leave Elon, the price of Dogecoin may still rise in the event that he finds another GF with larger breasts. How much will Dogecoin rise, you ask? To find out, simply take the difference between Elon’s new GFs cup size and Grimes’, then divide that number by Pi, and BAM, you have the percentage that Dogecoin will rise. If she’s got Fs or some shit, we’re having a good Christmas, boys.