BREAKING: The Libs Want to Abolish ICE and Make You Enjoy Your Drinks at Room Temperature

8/27/2021 by Caleb Townsend

“ABOLISH ICE!” I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase. Whether you’re at a restaurant trying to enjoy a margarita or in your home sipping on a Mountain Dew and watching the news, you’ve undoubtedly been assaulted with a chorus of small-brained liberals who have some sort of unwarranted aggression towards ICE. 

All across the news, I’ve heard people claiming that ICE performs unwarranted searches, deportations, acts of violence, and horrific separations of families. They say abolishing ICE is about the demilitarization of our immigration system. They say it’s about keeping families together. And yet, I must ask, when has ICE ever done any of these things? 

To my understanding, ICE is simply just frozen water. It cools down drinks, works wonders for headaches, and can even be an exciting tool in the bedroom (nipple work is an important part of every healthy marriage). And yet, these liberals claim that it’s somehow harmful to immigrants? I don’t know about you, but I, for one, have never seen an ice cube harm anyone. What, are they all slipping on them? 

Well, I don’t know how they do it south of the border, but in America, we like our drinks FROSTY. I will not sit by and be cucked by a bunch of socialists who want everyone to have warm beverages. What’s next, abolish fridges? Abolish freezers? Liberals claim to care about the polar ice caps and glaciers melting and yet they seek to destroy the very thing they claim to love. Hell, they loved Frozen when it came out! The hypocrisy never ends. They will not stop until every single glass of water is a cup of unflavored tea, and every whiskey on the rocks is a hot toddy. 

Well, no more! Today, I call on all patriots to go to local gas stations and buy out all the ice. I know what you’re going to say. “We don’t have enough freezer space, the ice will melt if we buy it in bulk”. Well, that’s where you’re wrong. If you crank your AC down to 32 degrees, your ice will keep forever. If you’re anemic and can’t thrive in cool temperatures, check out the ManFacts store, which offers krill oil pills that can help anemiacs maintain a hotter body temperature, according to a study done by me today.