Brett Kavanaugh: “Americans Should Be Able to Carry A Gun Anywhere They Want, Except In My House”

6/9/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

My fellow Americans,

Wazzup!!! It’s me, Brett Kavanaugh, the Supreme Court justice who, like my man Johnny Depp, beat the allegations against me like a boss and subjected the woman who accused me of sexual assault to unrelenting misogynistic harassment. As I write to you I am super jacked because I just got done doing some reps with my boy Tobin (who you may remember from my testimony where I totally didn’t cry a lot), but I feel that in the wake of what has happened to me this week, I need to make something clear.

Our new court is straight-up checking those libs and putting them in their place, and this new gun law ruling is just another part of our plan to make America more baller, like it used to be when the first Top Gun was in theaters. I have always believed that Americans have the right to carry a gun wherever they want, whenever they want. After all, that’s what the Second Amendment says if you stop reading before it talks about a “well-regulated militia.” But having said that, I feel like I need to make something clear. You should be able to carry a gun wherever you want, but you can’t do it near my house.

Let me explain in a way that endears me to you, the common people; my house is more important than your house because I’m a supreme court justice. I matter more in society because I get to decide which rivers corporations are allowed to turn orange. That’s how it works, and so I feel like I shouldn’t be subjected to the unchecked terror of some pale shut-in who watched Joker one too many times and thinks he’s gonna start a revolution or some shit. The rest of you are smart enough to know when and where you should take your guns, but when you’re in the presence of Casa Kavanaugh, you need to not have a gun on you. As a matter of fact, just don’t come near my house in general, some of you are very loud and it's hard to watch Hard To Kill with my boys when I hear you saps yelling shit from the other side of my second gate.