Everything You Need for the Perfect Capitol Riot Themed Bachelor Party

3/8/2021 by Janice Peabody

Stolen Podium.

This is the cornerstone of the riot decor. Anyone giving a speech must be standing at the podium, piss-drunk. If you can’t steal one from a government building, one from a church or a Catholic elementary school will do the trick.

Selfie Stick.

If you’re not live-streaming this Epic Sausage Hang, then what’s the frickin point, King!? All the cocktail waitresses you sexually harass will be grateful for the footage when they come forward in a blog post.

Back The Blue Flag.

Use this to beat the shit out of the bouncer and any wayward police officers that try to drag you out after 3 too many fishbowls. Gosh, it’s so hard to remember which straw is yours! 

White Tears.

Let’s hear that hot-take on reverse-racism! All lives matter? Oh yeah, sure they do, bud. State’s rights to do what, Brad? What do all the states want to do?

Off-Duty Cops.

Brian just texted and said he’s taking requests, what do y’all want from Evidence? 

1 Half of an Onion.

Listen, you’re going to be suuuuper married to the ol’ ball and chain. You’re gonna have to impress her in the kitchen. Nothing gets things cookin’ like eating half an onion in 3 bites without breaking eye contact. Practice tonight with your closest bros. 

Several Warrants in Multiple States.

You’re not a true patriot unless you get arrested on your front lawn. Make sure the arrest is in front of your kids. Bonus points if you’re being filmed by local news.