Help! I Bought a Bored Ape and All He Does is Defecate All Over My Couch

5/10/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

NFTs: They are the future! No question about it in my mind. I’ve always been early to the latest trends in business. Google Glass? I invested early. Fyre Festival? I was one of the first to buy a ticket! And now NFTs!

Having liquidated all of my assets to purchase just one picture of a Jack Dorsey tweet from 2011, I feel confident that NFTs are the future of artwork and will continue to accrue value that I can turn into generational wealth for my children.

However, this latest trend has got me really confused and I am really worried about whether or not I made a sound investment. I saw online that everyone was buying bored apes, from Jimmy Fallon to Jimmy Fallon’s talk show guests, so I went out and purchased one for myself. But trust me guys, this is not the investment you think it is. While at first, Shilo (that’s his name) was just a friendly orangutan who liked to eat the crumbs off of my floor, he is quickly turning into a non-stop poop machine, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Here’s the crux of my dilemma: if I sell Shilo, then someone else gets my bored ape and I don’t have one. But if I keep him, my house smells like orangutan shit and I can’t practice bass guitar. It’s all so confusing.

How did Jordan Belfort handle situations like this? Maybe rewatching Wolf of Wall Street for the 89th time will clue me into what I’m doing wrong. All of my friends try to remind me that the lesson in that movie is that Jordan Belfort went to jail for how he invested his money, but then I always remind them that he got a movie made about him. They don’t make movies where the protagonist is a bad person.

I’m begging you, anyone out there in the ManFacts readership, if you have a solution to what seems like an unsolvable problem, please let me know. I can’t be the only guy out here having this problem with a bored ape! All those celebrities bought them!

But whenever I tell my friends that Jimmy Fallon must have an ape caretaker, they just laugh and say “wow, you really just will buy anything you hear about, won’t you?” It’s not helpful and I don’t know what it means! What does that mean “I'll buy anything?” Is that supposed to be insulting? Anyways, let me know if you guys have any solutions, I cannot keep scrubbing orangutan poop out of my gaming chair!