How To Defend Yourself Against A Woman Trying To Get An Abortion

2/7/2022 by Brandon Puff

You’ve probably heard recently on the news that in Texas you can report a woman for getting an abortion after six weeks. This means that the era of the bounty hunter is upon us and Texas has become the Wild West all over again. I know you’re probably getting all excited thinking about how cool it’s gonna be to go out there and catch all these ladies so you can rake in the big bucks. But you need to remember this type of work is dangerous. Pregnant women are some of the most dangerous bounties you can go after. It is a known fact that pregnant women have superhuman-like abilities thanks to the hormones their fetus is giving them. This article is going to teach you how to hunt down those abortion seeking ladies but in a way that keeps you perfectly safe. 

Dress For The Occasion

Pregnant women are feral creatures, they move quick and with the strength of an olympic weightlifter. One wrong move and you’ll find yourself on the ground having your face torn off by their talons. When you go to catch one of these pregnant ladies, you need to make sure you’re wearing only the strongest body armor. Preferably you’re going to want something with titanium plating which is the only known substance strong enough to stop a pregnant woman. It also helps if you stuff the gaps of your armor with pro-life pamphlets so that during the fight they might have second thoughts. Whatever you do, make sure you protect your eyes. Protect the windows to your soul so you can save that little clump of cells, which most certainly has a soul. 


Don’t be fooled by pregnant women, they might have the strength of two but it also burns up twice the energy. When it comes down to it, no one will blame you if you run away. If these ladies get a hold of you then it’s game over. If you’re on the run with one of these feral hormone bobcats chasing you down, try to keep an eye out for a set of stairs. A quick gallop up concrete hurdles is sure to discourage your attacker. Another trick is to run directly into your nearby state courthouse so your representatives can tackle her to the ground. He’ll be gentle though, so he doesn’t hurt the baby that might cure cancer one day. 

Remember Why You Do It

Chasing down these pregnant women is sure to leave quite the mental toll on you. You might start to have second thoughts about if you should be this involved in the life of a complete stranger. You might think there are better things to do with your time rather than sitting in your truck with a pair of binoculars and a bible with some chili stains on it. But you need to remember something very important. If you don’t take these struggling pregnant women to court and cause unneeded stress to them and their unborn child while potentially ruining them financially for what might be the rest of their lives then who will? It’s thanks to the incredibly brave bounty hunters like you that this beautiful system works at all. So remember why you do this and smile.

Most Importantly: Have Fun

While your role as a bounty hunter should be taken seriously, don’t forget to stop and have fun. No matter the outcome of your hunt, your life will ultimately remain unaffected by these newly implemented laws and that’s plenty of reason to have a good time.