How To Survive Prison By Having Daddy Get You A Really Good Lawyer

6/21/2021 by Brandon Puff

Prison is scary, that’s a fact. It’s full of drugs, violence, minorities, and all manner of things that would make the average person petrified. Have no worries though! With a little bit of help from daddy and the lawyer he paid for, prison will never trouble you.

We all commit crimes, but not all of us are criminals. Some of us are young, upstanding citizens who are set to attend Cambridge in the Fall, and we can’t be bothered with jail time. Being forcefully summoned to appear in court can appear quite confusing at first. After all, you have a dinner in the Hamptons you were supposed to attend. 

This, however, is all part of the theatre that is the American justice system.

If you ever get in trouble, all you need to do is simply call daddy, and daddy will call his lawyer. Lawyers are like friends who were invented by the government to help out anyone who has enough money. Once your daddy hires the lawyer, the lawyer will tell you to smile, nod, and deny any wrongdoing. Make sure to listen to daddy’s lawyer because they have spent their entire career keeping innocent honor students out of prison. Once daddy’s lawyer is finished talking to the judge and the supposed victims of your crime, you will be given a sentence to atone for your whoopsie moment.

Even if your sentence is a little harsh, don’t feel bad about that silly awful thing you did. Morality is not proven in the court of law. But you know what is? Plausible deniability. Just accept whatever public service they ask of you and tell daddy how happy you are to not be in any big trouble. The whole experience may leave you with a mild case of PTSD, so be sure to schedule a skiing trip as soon as possible as a means of detoxing your mind.

Prison might be tough but not nearly as tough as daddy’s money.