My Wife Keeps Complaining About Inflation And Gas But She’s The One Who Keeps Feeding Me Burritos

3/15/2022 by Caleb Townsend

These days, it’s nearly impossible to scroll Facebook without seeing a status about gas or inflation. Everywhere I look, people are complaining about the price of gas and the rapid onset of inflation. I tune it out, mostly because I don’t really know how to use a computer (this was written in the bathroom on toilet paper and transcribed by an intern).

But my wife is up on everything. She’ll come in hot and say “can you believe the price of gas?” I look at her in confusion. If my constant gas is such a severe “price to pay,” then why does she keep making burritos every night?

When I said this to her, she looked at me like I was the dumbest man alive. “No, gas, like, Gas-O-Line,” she said while rapidly smacking her knuckles into her palm. I responded, “yeah, I know, it feels like I’ve ingested gasoline because you never learned how to cook anything besides burritos, pasta, and tuna sandwiches.” She put her hands up in frustration and left for the night.

Now granted, I get why she’s upset. My gas is no joke. I am shitting lava on the regular. I clear out a room. I’ve been asked not to use our work bathroom at thee mechanics anymore. I haven’t had a solid bowel movement in six weeks and I haven’t eaten a vegetable that wasn’t on a burger our ground up into a sauce since Obama was president.

Still, she didn’t have to be so mean. After all, she’s just bearing witness to the nuclear detonation zone that is my digestive systm. I’m the one who has to experience it.