Netflix Shuts Down Streaming Service Until You Get Yourself A Hobby
9/26/2022 by Brandon Puff
The world looks on in fear and awe as for the first time in its history, Netflix has purposefully shut down its streaming service until you can get yourself a hobby. The service will remain closed indefinitely, for all users, until you go outside your comfort zone and do something that’s more interesting that binging old episodes of your favorite childhood cartoon. Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos has expressed his stalwart commitment to making sure that you do something with your life other than operating your brain at the lowest possible setting.
“We thought about this decision quite a bit before execution. We knew this would upset lots of people because Netflix is the only thing preventing them from going completely insane but there needs to be a serious intervention here. Netflix and the people that work here appreciate all of our customers and their dedication to watching our programs endlessly even when they feel empty on the inside, but you all really need to get yourselves a hobby before this gets more depressing than it already is.”
While many people have found themselves hobbies to replace the gaping void Netflix left in their hearts, the vast majority of users are struggling to cope with the wound that has been dealt to them. Recent reports indicate it has been especially troubling for you, and you need to hurry up and find something to do with your time that leaves you with a feeling of fulfillment and accomplishment. One user struggling to cope spoke about how difficult life has become without Netflix there to coddle their mind.
“It’s endless, it never stops. Life just goes on and on until it doesn’t. I used to be able to keep those thoughts out of my head - watching Seinfeld or Stranger Things made it so easy. But now, without them, I have nothing. I don’t even know what to talk to people about. My entire personality was based on nothing more than the various shows and movies I would recommend to my friends and family. Without that, I’m just a husk of what I once was. There’s no going back, there’s no other way. This is the end of everything for everyone. God help us all.”
While it is still unclear what this decision will lead to, experts predict a rise in depression, anxiety and existential dread. Proponents of this decision say they are excited to see what hobbies you get into, especially since you abandoned most of them in 2010 and fell into a pit of self loathing and confusion. The future looks bleak for Netflix users, but it can’t stay that way forever. One thing can be recommended for certain, getting yourself a hobby is your best option.