Ted Cruz to Democrats That Fled Texas: ‘If I Wasn’t in Cancun Right Now, I’d Teach You a Thing or Two About Constitutional Duty’

7/14/2021 by Erwin Feinberg, Fred Nelson

Hello America, It’s me, Ted Cruz, the poor mans Dog the Bounty Hunter. Currently I’m in Cancun, again, dropping off my daughters for the 14th time, but I’m coming right back of course, just after I finish this ceremonial goodbye-margarita. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I am writing to you today, because I am absolutely appalled at what Texas democrats are doing right now. Fleeing the state during a time of political upheaval, and profound importance, is not only insanely disrespectful to the people of Texas (who you are supposed to represent), but also is just downright childish.

If I wasn’t toe-deep in the white sand beaches of Cancun right now, still dropping off my daughters, and polishing off another goodbye-margarita, I would march right into your offices and lecture your staff about the importance of constitutional duty. As I sit here in my novelty-souvenir sombrero, I am repulsed by the ingratitude I am seeing from you people who are supposed to be representative of all that is good and right about the Lone Star State. But reflecting on your behavior whilst doing body shots off Heidi’s ass dimples, it does not escape me that this is the exact type of cowardice, that has ruined the democratic party. This is the worst thing to happen to Texas voters since Beto O’Rourke convinced you all he was hotter than me.

In conclusion, while this 4th goodbye-margarita has certainly made me forget a great deal of what I was angry about, I don’t think it’s okay for you guys to stop us from stopping people from voting. It’s un-American, un-Democratic, and is frankly the whole reason I had to come to Mexico to clear my head – I mean, drop off my daughters. Show some fucking respect to your constituents, you cowards. I’m going to drink one last goodbye-margarita and catch the last 20-minutes of the Kenny Chesney show, and once I do, you better be ready to feel the wrath of Ted Rafael Cruz. Cause you know what they say, everything’s bigger in Texas, including the amount of time I stay in Cancun.


Ted “The Beard Looks Badass, Right?” Cruz