Time For Honesty: There’s A Kid Leaning On The Railing At The Zoo And I Hope He Falls In

8/3/2022 by Brandon Puff

I've been silent long enough, it's time for me to open my heart and admit that I want the child leaning on the railing at the zoo to fall in. It's a hard thing to admit, but it's true none the less and I'm tired of lying to my friends and family. Before you judge me, before you mark me as an outcast of civilized society, consider my reasons and then make your own judgment.

First and foremost, this child is a jerk. In the ten minutes that he has been here, he has kicked several other children in the leg and thrown a pocket full of rocks at the gorillas. Falling into the zoo enclosure might help this child grow as a person, maybe they would realize it's not nice to kick people or throw rocks. What you imagine to be a terrible accident, I see as an opportunity for real growth.

Secondly, his parents really deserve it too. The mother is pregnant and smoking so she clearly doesn't really care much about her children. I'm pretty sure the dad is drunk and he keeps trying to talk to women who are much younger than him. Is it the child's fault his parents are so terrible? No, but maybe him falling into the zoo enclosure is the last thing that needs to happen before he gets separated from his family and has a chance to be sent to people that actually care about him.

Finally, I have my phone ready and a video of him falling in could easily go viral. People love looking at car accidents and a child falling into a zoo enclosure is like a hundred-car pileup. There would be outrage all across the country, there would be millions of views, and then of course there would be the memes that come with it. This child falling into the enclosure might spark a cultural revolution that takes over the digital sphere and marks a new era of content creation. I have three subscribers on my YouTube channel, but after this kid falls in, I could easily get into the thousands, and then maybe my Sonic Claymation videos will receive the attention they deserve.

I would go into further detail but these are my three strongest points for why this kid needs to fall in. Would it be terrible? Yes, there's no denying that. But it would also be really awesome to watch and record, his parents would look like total idiots, and this crappy kid would get what's coming to him.

There's not much else to say so if you still want to judge me, now is the time to do so. 

I don't care what you think of me or my logic, it's the truth as clearly as I can express it. He just climbed the railing and now my heart is ready to burst with joy.