"We're All Going to Get it Eventually," Says Man With Chlamydia

4/12/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

Over the last week, we have seen the number of infections begin to go up again and, like many of you out there, I as an alpha male am wondering “why are we still so obsessed with these rising numbers?” Don’t people realize that this thing went global a while ago, and there’s no point in trying to stop its spread at this point. We are all going to get it, whether we like it or not. Of course that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t treat people for it, but I’m just so sick of us living our lives like this thing is avoidable; it’s not. We’re all gonna get chlamydia eventually.

Now I’m not an asshole, I realize chlamydia is a horrible disease that nobody wants to get, and some people can even die of it if left untreated. But, as I learned last weekend while having what I think was sex in the bathroom of a Señor Frog’s, you can try all you want to avoid this thing but its coming for you. People tried to tell me “oh, you’re just super reckless and fuck anything that moves,” but let me then ask those people; have you been able to avoid chlamydia. If they say “no, I don’t because I’m super careful when it comes to hooking up,” you can just call them liars and remind them that everyone thinks they’re being careful, and before you know it, things you once considered safe like going to town on a stranger in the bathroom of a Señor Frog’s can become biohazards.

I know we are all tired of talking about it, I’m fully aware that this is not a popular opinion and I will probably get canceled for saying it, but I just don’t think people should avoid having sex with me just because I contracted chlamydia. You’re either gonna get it from me or someone else, so you take your pick. Also, apparently, there’s something else going around that people are using as an excuse not to hook up with me, but I just want to remind everyone that Corona is a refreshing Mexican beer that you can get at Señor Frog’s and not a “novel respiratory illness.”