What Does Bitcoin Taste Like? These Tech Experts Want Me To Stop Asking

4/6/2022 by Brandon Puff

It’s the question that absolutely nobody is asking, what does Bitcoin taste like? Despite my best efforts to find out, I have been blockaded at every corner by experts in the field who want me to stop asking. Even though I have been deterred from figuring out this urgent question, I persisted and broke into a bitcoin expert’s home and managed to get some information out of Jerry Tadlowe. 

“Please, you need to leave. I don’t know what it tastes like. Why would anyone know that or want to know that? Are you even with a real newspaper? Bitcoin doesn’t have a taste, it’s just a series of binary numbers built by an algorithm. What were you expecting me to say? That it tastes like turkey or ham? You’re insane. You need to stop harassing me and my colleagues, we don’t have the time or the energy to deal with such stupid questions. Now leave before I contact the police.”

Although Tadlowe didn’t have time to tell me more because he was too busy contacting the police, I left with my appetite for knowledge tickled. In order to get a full stomach, I would need to dive deeper and scavenge a meal of understanding. 

I ventured to the nearest college and spoke to science and technology undergraduates who were three pot brownies deep into a night of coding. One of the only students sober enough to comprehend my question gave me an answer that would rock my socks off. 

“Bitcoin? Maybe it tastes like a slimy slimy banana with peanut butter. That would be really good. Bitcoin, we could call it Buttercoin, use it to bake stuff. We could bake, like, a new form of currency with it, like a banana flavored cryptocurrency. We could do a whole crypto three course meal. With dessert crypto at the end. Texture though. What about texture? Bitcoin is crunchy, like a chip, crunchy and munchy and crunchy munchy crunch. Crunch crunch crunch. Banana crunch bitcoin, now available in stores near you.”

It is still unclear to me what Bitcoin truly tastes like, but I will never stop until I have cracked a fresh one open and enjoyed its assumedly savory insides so I might describe it to the curious masses. For now, I will continue harrassing the experts until they can fetch me the answers I seek.