Why Wiping Your Ass Actually Deprives You of Necessary Nutrients Needed For Muscle Growth

6/18/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

We’ve been told our whole lives that when you shit, it’s offensive not to wipe your ass afterward. When you don’t wipe your ass, they told us, you make a mess in your undies and nobody wants to be around you since you reek of feces. But my friends, much like everything else the media and big government have told you, that is a LIE. It turns out that they have wanted us to wipe our asses because if you don’t, your body reabsorbs vital nutrients in your poop that actually help in the production of amino acids and ultimately help you to build more muscle. 

Do yourself a favor: The next time you take a real clunker of a shit, don’t rush to wipe the residue off your puckered anus. Take a minute, flush the toilet, pull your pants up, and notice the difference an unwiped ass can make in your body-building regimen. 

How do I know it works? Well, I haven’t wiped my ass in 6 months, and not only am I bigger than I’ve ever been before, but I’m also thinner too. While my doctor tells me I’m only thinner because I refuse to wash my hands and thus keep getting poop-related stomach viruses from shitting and then immediately eating with my hands, the fact is that I feel spectacular and YOU CAN TOO!