Big Tech Crackdown?! My Computer Stopped Working After I Poured Mountain Dew On It

8/2/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Alex Jones warned us about this! When he was removed from Facebook, we said nothing. When Parler was removed, we said nothing. Well, now the Big Tech Crackdown is really here. I spilled Mountain Dew on my laptop, and now I’m completely banned from everything! Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Club Penguin, Runescape, Solitaire, Pornhub, Microsoft Word, Powerpoint, Photobooth, Safari, ALL OF IT! 

I called my grandson and asked him if he believes me now. He said, “Grandpa, you know you’re not supposed to be drinking soda, your hypertension is bad enough already.” I screamed at him and threw my cellphone at the wall. The next thing I know, my cell phone stops working too! Big Tech is insidious, they’ll really stop at nothing to exact complete control. 

“Where’s the Big Tech regulation?!” I scream. “Soon enough they’re going to label everything as extremist content!” I tried to call my grandson again from the landline, but he did not return my calls, so I drove to his house to confront him. “They’ll censor anything that’s said by a white, male, Christian, not-Marxist!” I yelled, and my grandson put his finger to his mouth. “Please, Jessica just put the baby down for a nap.” That’s right, I don’t know how Big Tech got to my grandson, but now HE’S trying to silence me. 

“YOU ARE AN ARM OF THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION,” I screamed as I stormed to the kitchen, “WHERE’S YOUR GODDAMN SODA?!” My grandson said, “grandpa please, we don’t keep soda in the house” while I rummaged through his cabinets, throwing Tupperware left and right. All of a sudden I felt a heavy pressure in my chest. I grabbed my chest and fell to the floor in pain. 

That’s right – Big Tech gave me a heart attack to finally silence me. Now I’m at the hospital, and the nurse won’t even unscramble the porn channels on the TV. She kept saying “Sir, we have a Roku, there aren’t any ‘scrambled channels,’ it’s just netflix.” It never ends, Big Tech Censorship runs our lives. It’s inescapable, and it’ll affect your grandson, your hospital visits, or even your porn-watching habits. Anyone’s a target in Silicon Valley’s eyes.