Climate Scientists Warn Meat Consumption Must Be Brought Down By 70% Or We Will Need To Brace For More Diarrhea

6/21/2022 by Brandon Puff

Climate scientists from all around the world say that, if we don't stop eating meat as a species, we're going to find ourselves riding the diarrhea train. Everyone is still lining up to buy a ticket despite the warnings, make no mistake, we are on the diarrhea train and we're fast approaching the last stop. Climate change deniers have yet to accept this revelation. John Parson of the Meat Militia Facebook group says this is just another lie in the bucket of treachery.

"Listen to me folks, human beings have some of the most adaptable butt holes in all the animal kingdom. No amount of burning liquid shooting out of my hole is going to put it out of commission. If anything, the brown lava is a test meant to challenge our right to enjoy savory meats. I've been eating nothing but raw elk liver for five years and my doctor says I still have an impressive twenty percent of my stomach lining intact. Stop believing these salad-eating dweebs and embrace the ring of fire."

Despite the avid support of the carnivorous lifestyle from countless online communities, scientists continue to warn against the dangers of meat-eating. Doctor Kimberly, one of the lead researchers on this report, wrote her own Facebook post on the Salad Soldiers page.

"Eating more meat does not give you a thicker erection. I've checked countless studies, I've seen the data, your erection size stays the same. You know what changes though? Your anal cavity, it gets turned into the mouth of a swamp dragon. Those rich delicious meats get turned into the darkest blood coffee you've ever seen and there is no cream or sugar waiting to make it less bitter. You know the risks, we all do. Stop eating so much meat."

While the battle between meat-eaters and scientists still rages on, the experts all agree, we are riding the diarrhea train and there’s no telling where it will take our species.