Complimentary Breadsticks: The Result of Communism or Critical Race Theory?

9/3/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You love free breadsticks. Free breadsticks have been a staple of American dynasties like Applebees, Olive Garden, and Outback Steakhouse since we first landed on Plymouth Rock (the “Native Americas” offered us corn). We all love them, but unfortunately, their very existence is actually a threat to our very way of life. 

See, in America, our founding fathers strongly believed that you have to earn what you get, through a little thing called work. Ever heard of the phrase “No such thing as free lunch?” Well, there’s a reason the phrase isn’t “No such thing as free lunch, but please enjoy our complimentary breadsticks.” Complimentary appetizers are, at their core, fundamentally unamerican. In fact, it’s worse. It’s Communism. 

But it’s also Critical Race Theory. Let me explain. 

Communism is when you get something for free. Free mints in the bathroom? That’s Communism. Chips and salsa at Mexican restaurants? Communism. Libraries? Public roads? Public RESTROOMS? Communism. 

The very act of giving away free breadsticks at a restaurant before you enter the sacred process of spending half of your paycheck on 9 DOLLARITAs and chicken alfredo is a government opp to implement Communism into your every day of life. Once you take the red pill and see how much the world tries to condition you to not paying for stuff, you can begin to see exactly how the government is preparing for a new world order. It’s in every aspect of our life. Free parks, free lunches at school, free parking, and free PUBLIC TELEVISION. 

But the Complimentary Breadsticks craze is not just conditioning for Communism. It’s also Critical Race Theory. Now what is Critical Race Theory, you might ask? Well, it’s a lot of things. It’s the idea that your kids are evil. Now, we all know your kids aren’t evil racists (I mean, one of mine is but Bobby’s been seeing a therapist, and we recently banned him from Reddit and Club Penguin). But that’s what these looney leftists actually think!

Well, let me tell you what I think. Critical Race Theory is teachers trying to teach your kids multiplication in a way that you find scary. It’s any conversation about racism that doesn’t involve Brad Paisley and LL Cool J. It’s the very foundation of our education system breaking down into anarchy and chaos. It’s probably 9/11, and it’s absolutely any show we don’t like, including and especially The Muppets (except when it’s censored, and by censored, I mean put onto a huge platform unedited in its entirety with a short disclaimer). 

I call on all ManFacts readers to reject free breadsticks. Demand you pay for them and cause a scene. Make sure your voice is heard. Just be sure you don’t try to pay for your breadsticks through tips. If they want more money, they should get a better job.