EXCLUSIVE: Guy Who Skimmed One Article Reveals “Everything He Knows” About The Depp Trials

Major revelations in the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial come in the form of testimony from one significant individual who’s cracked the case by skimming one article. 

Tommy Birbiglia speaks with authority on his discoveries. “Amber Heard is what toxic femininity looks like. The details are clear. The article I skimmed said she cut off his finger and something else about a makeup line getting mad at her. It literally couldn’t be more straightforward.” 

Birbiglia was shocked to find that the result of his research happened to perfectly coincide with the view he initially held when he first heard Johnny Depp was abusive. 

“I thought, 'no way did he do that. It simply isn’t possible.' Then, boom, we see hard evidence that the only thing he’s guilty of is loving wine and looking fine! Oh and, shit, I think this article also said he was abusive too? Wait a second.” 

When asked if it is at all possible that both Depp and Heard were mutually abusive, Birbiglia scoffed. “Look, things get messy and it’s a lot of he said she said. But the point I’m making is about toxic femininity and how this case perfectly lines up with that point.” 

There is no details as to whether Birbiglia will be invited to speak as a witness at the domestic abuse trial, but Birbiglia remains hopeful. “The only thing I’m advocating for is my position, and that it is correct, and that this case confirms it. If I can help just one person understand that my original position was right all along then this whole thing will have been worth it.”