HBO Max Revels 5-Year-Plan To Completely Erase Their Entire Library
8/23/2022 by Caleb Townsend
HBO Max has announced a five-year plan to completely erase their entire library forever. The news comes in the wake of a new merger, under the umbrella of HBO-Warner Bros. Discovery AT&T, Inc., a division under the Apple Marvel Comcast Coca-Cola company. The acquisition has caused some shows like Infinity Train, OK K.O, and Uncle Grandpa to be permanently removed from the platform.
"Not only will those shows be removed from their respective platforms, but we will also be destroying any evidence that they existed, and will be suing any animators who try to put their experience making the show on their resume," says Discovery CEO David Zaslav. "It'll be like they never existed."
Some of the many other works to be completely erased forever include Curb Your Enthusiasm, the entirety of Studio Ghibli's work, Looney Tunes, Batman, and any Warner Brothers movie that's ever won an Oscar.
"We find that instability creates the best user experience," says Zaslav. "DVDs would've stuck around a LOT long if people companies removed half of your library every few months."
While the merger has lost over 3 billion dollars so far, an HBO Spokesman is positive that they will make back the money by removing things people care about. "If we know anything about the streaming experience, it's that people's absolute favorite part of it is logging on and finding out that a show they were watching is now completely unavailable on any platform. The only thing they like more is having to pay for a different streaming service than the one they already have."
It's unclear what titles will be acquired or created for the new planned streaming service, but Zaslav assures the library will "start off small and have a shit ton of ads." He also teases that the service will have a new feature that erases any mention of bugs bunny or The Joker from the internet through a series of DMCA claims and sporadic lawsuits.
"Again, our emphasis is on bringing the best user experience possible. Sure, the artists hate it, and the consumers are unhappy, but our guy crunched the numbers, and we found that people actually enjoy just rewatching Impractical Jokers over any other type of art. We promise we won't touch Impractical Jokers. That will be on forever."