How to Dump Your Idiot Girlfriend For Not Liking the Same Cartoons You Like
6/24/2021 by Caleb Townsend
We’ve all been there. You’re trying to expose your girlfriend to the latest cartoon, so subversive that she couldn’t even comprehend it. You’re the “film guy,” and you’re used to people not fully investing in art. But your girlfriend is a special case. For example, when you showed her Rick and Morty, she laughed, but she didn’t really appreciate just how cleverly it was subverting Back to the Future tropes.
You start explaining Back to the Future to her, and she interrupts you with “I’ve seen them.” But then, when you start quizzing her on specific moments in the trilogy, she concedes she saw them as a kid and doesn’t remember that the license plate on the Delorian says, “OUTATIME.” Clearly, she’s not going to get all the references if she doesn’t remember those crucial details, but when you try to make her watch the Back to the Future trilogy, she’s all like “My parents are here, can you please put on a shirt that’s not stained in cum and join us for dinner?”
This kind of behavior is unacceptable
Step 1: Let Her Down Easy
Make sure your girlfriend knows that she was a wonderful girlfriend. She paid all the bills. Made you dinner, did your laundry, and tried to push you into pursuing animation as a legitimate job. But, she never understood that watching cartoons and overanalyzing them is a part of your process and pencil will not touch paper until you’ve at least shown her the entirety of Brickleberry.
Step 2: Get a Lawyer
Your chick is going to be pissed that you’re throwing away the life you both have built together over a Daniel Tosh cartoon. Do not listen to her pleas and appeals to the past. It doesn’t matter that your whole life is based around moving to accommodate her job. Your friend you’ve kept in touch with is absolutely financially stable enough to fill the girlfriend-sized gap in your heart and wallet. After all, he’s a bartender, and they make great tips.
Step 3: Call Your Parents
You may need to move in with them, so be sure you’ve talked to them at least 2 months in advance to ensure it doesn’t seem like you’re mooching off of them and regressing.
Step 4: Be Gentle
This is the woman who took your virginity. Make sure she knows there’s nothing she could have done differently besides watching the entire run of Paradise P.D. twice through. It’s a “you” thing, as in, you have better tastes than her.
Step 5: Delete Your Texts
Those aren’t going to look good in court, buddy. In fairness, you probably shouldn’t have punched a hole in the drywall and stolen her cat, but some things are out of your control. But, that doesn’t mean you need therapy. Sometimes the best therapy is starting over, and I mean that literally, go back to your hometown. Your ex-girlfriend is still single and I’m sure she’ll find your intense love of cartoons just as endearing as she did when you were both 12.