I Bought a DILDO to Own the…Libs? Or Something? I Lost Track of What’s Happening.

8/6/2021 by Caleb Townsend

This dildo, this cock, this magnificent veiny penis, is now mine. As Georgia is attempting to enact strict ID policies that have been met with protests, I’ve taken the initiative to make sure that the right people on my side of the culture war are getting my business. So I’m going to shop at every store in Georgia in order to vote with my dollar. You should do the same, you should buy from companies that will not bow to every whim of the left. 

Now, I bought this dildo through Amazon, which is a problem because they are actually anti-voter suppression. But also I want to support them for their labor practices. I’d drive to the Georgia sex shop, but I had to blow up my Ford because I saw a Reddit post saying they were using Colin Kaepernick as their spokesperson. 

Unfortunately, that was a hoax, so I blew up my car for nothing. Also, wait, shit, I think I was supposed to be protesting Reddit because they banned the Donald Trump subreddit a while back. They also banned the Chapo Trap House podcast though, so I need to support that. 

Remember, it’s not enough to buy the product, you need to video yourself using it. I have started an OnlyFans account and have been posting pictures of the dildo in my ass. It makes me smirk to think about how angry the libs will be when they see me shoving a massive dildo into my gaping asshole on a sex work platform. Wait, shit, I’m not supposed to be supporting sex work. I mean I hire hookers and stuff, but publicly. 

Okay, I’m confused now. I did the math and I think I have to be pro OnlyFans, but anti “women using OnlyFans”. I’m not sure how this ties back into Georgia anymore and I think I was supposed to factor in Dr. Seuss somehow? He’s from Massachusetts…should I have bought the dildo in Massachusetts? Wait, okay, now I’m really confused. 

I think…I need to kill myself? Some lib dropped a suicide hotline tweet that was very performative and because I’m anti-muppets being censored but also anti-muppets because I hate public television, but also it doesn’t matter because it’s owned by Disney now but also I hate Disney because of the woke virtue signaling but also want to support Gina Carano but also think women can’t be funny but also think comedy is dying because of the lack of diverse opinions but also hate hearing other people’s opinions but also hate myself and can’t bear the FUCK I wish I didn’t blow up my car I really needed that today to go to the grocery but also I’m protesting the grocery store because someone I hate shops there.

Look, I’ve lost the plot here. I’m just gonna go get drunk so I can forget about this. Wait…which beer brand is the one that’s pro-Trump?