Scary! Sharia Law and Socialism Somehow Both Right Around the Corner

7/8/2021 by Caleb Townsend

It’s happening folks. They are coming for you! Who, you may ask? Well, everyone. You see, Sharia Law is just around the corner. And despite being an entirely different and overall incompatible ideology, socialism is also just around the corner. 

Let me explain. Ever since you elected Joe Biden into the office, he has been formulating a plan to create a dual system of socialism and Sharia laws with “The Squad”, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, The antisemitic one who thinks Palestinians have the right to live, the one who always wears a hat, and a fourth one I don’t hear about much. Anyways, the senile grandpa Biden wants to use these four women to enact socialism and Sharia Law.

 But What Is Socialism, You May Ask? 

Well, Socialism is everything that’s bad in our country. Socialism is taxes. It’s not being able to say slurs. It’s a gluten. It’s when you have to pay for stuff. It’s when nobody pays for anything. It’s getting everything for free and it’s also when you have to tip servers. Socialism is that feeling you get when you pour a bowl of cereal and forget you didn’t buy any milk. Socialism is when you don’t get to pay taxes to Isreal. 

But What Is Sharia Law? 

Well, it’s the law that all Muslims follow. It’s cutting off a dissident’s hand. It’s that South Park episode getting censored for showing the prophet, Muhammed. It’s God’s will for humankind, but it’s also socialism. 

Is It Already Here? 

Socialism and Sharia law are one and the same. They’re both systems that restrict my small Krill Oil business from running unregulated. Don’t believe me? Well, here’s a few personal anecdotes that illustrate that both socialism and Sharia Law are already here.  

  1. Many employees keep quitting because once a month, I come down to the office with a towel wrapped around my head and I say, “Look I’m a terrorist,” in a thick middle eastern accent. So apparently it’s cute when Steve Carell makes jokes in the office, but when I do it, I am advised to set up a “human resources office” in my own home?! What is this, Sharia Law? 

  2. My graphic designer kept not coming into the office. He kept saying “please, you never wear a mask and I get the same amount of work done at home. I have a wife and two children, I want to keep them safe.” So you want to collect unemployment? Socialism much? 

  3. They cancelled Last Man Standing! This is what socialism and Sharia Law do! They take everything great about America and pervert it until it’s unrecognizable! 

  4. Taxes.

Look, I live my life by 4 simple words: Don’t Tread on Me! If Alexandri-dumb O-Coo-Coo Cort-oh-my-god-she’s-so-dumb-tez and her band of Sharia Socialists get their way, this country will no longer resemble what it once was.