The Wild Man’s Guide To Starting A Fire With Help From Your Dad

8/7/2021 by Brandon Puff

Nature is a creature with fangs of ice and eyes of death. One wrong move and you will find yourself impaled on a tree or stabbed to death by a gang of beavers. 

To survive in the wild requires a special set of skills that only my father has. As a child, I learned quickly how to handle any environment as long as my daddy was there to take care of all my survival needs. Even fire bends to the will of my father as he summons it forth from a pit in the ground and roasts highly nutritious smores for our survival.

Many times, I have witnessed my father pulling his iron box from the garage and then filling it with strange black rocks, only for those rocks to burst forth into flame. Then comes the meats that he hunted down at the local Walmart. He’s an apex predator for sure. Every weekend he would do this with the ease of a child playing with toys. 

If you choose to venture into those cold gray lands of your local forest preserve then do not go unprepared. Call your own dad and ask him to come with you, ask him to harness the raw power of nature to ensure your survival. As my father once said “Starting a fire is a lot like getting your mom horny. It just takes time and patience.”