Unpublished Tolkien Writings Reveal Frodo Touched Himself Every Night During His Journey To Mordor

6/28/2022 by Brandon Puff

Tolkien fans rejoice as newly unearthed writings from the author himself reveal that during the trip to Mordor, Frodo touched himself every single night. These new writings were discovered after a section of Tolkien’s bedroom wall collapsed and thousands upon thousands of pages revealing Frodo’s dirty act were set forth upon the world. Tolkien fan and historian John Molkien took to his blog to reveal one of the very first of these pages fully transcribed. 

“Frodo looked over at his friend Sam to ensure he was still sleeping and when he was certain, his fingers began to move. Down into the depths of his own trousers they went, searching for his plump hobbit sapling. When it was found, Frodo bit his lip, wiggled his hairy little toes, and got to work on pleasuring himself. As he did so, he tried not to think about how Gandalf died, which was really hard to do. Every single stroke was an upward climb as he fought off his guilt for letting his wizard friend be pulled to the depths. Frodo would not be stopped however, if he did not get his rub in now there was no telling when he might get another chance.”

Although it is unclear why so much excellent writing slipped from the final version of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy, there are many fans with their own theories. One super Tolkien fan responded to the discovery with his own thoughts on how this was clearly tied to Tolkien’s experiences during World War One.

“Tolkien was in those trenches, shoulder to shoulder with his brothers in arms. I’ve studied up on my history and it is a well-known fact that there wasn’t much time or space for privacy. So when you had to strangle the great dragon, you had to compromise. Frodo’s experiences in these writings are probably the exact things that Tolkien either witnessed or participated in during a trench battle. Imagine the stress of combat, the stress of trying to reach Mordor. A quick tug next to your friends might have felt uncomfortable in the short term, but it was the only thing keeping these people sane. Clearly, this is what Tolkien was trying to show in these writings.”

Although the Tolkien estate has yet to make an official comment regarding these writings, there are rumors that they seek to work with Amazon to use these new pages to create a television series.