Why I Started Stabbing My Drywall Rather Than Just Punching Holes In It

1/21/2022 by Brandon Puff

Emotions are confusing, especially for men who are too strong to get in touch with them. While some may tell you to run from your fear, our natural instinct as men is to implant that fear with our fist into the drywall of our one bedroom apartments. Never run from that instinct, not ever.

While punching a hole in a wall is a perfectly healthy way to express this fear of emotion, I’ve been experimenting with a new method. 

Gentleman, I’d like to welcome you to the revolutionary world of wall stabbing. Stabbing things is a tradition as old as humanity itself. It’s how our ancestors communicate with their enemies. Rather than diplomacy which is weak and pitiful, our warrior brethren from ages past would stab each other like men. 

A punch is weak compared to a stab, a bruise is easier to heal from than a puncture or slash wound. When I punch my wall, my emotions are soothed but when I stab my wall there’s a rush of euphoria that takes over my whole body. 

If you really want to embrace the primal warrior side of yourself, try taping ketchup packets to the wall before you stab it. The packets will explode upon impact from your knife and your face will be covered in the sticky yet sweet condiment of the warrior. Allow the ketchup to cover your blade, to cover your body, so that you can become the next step in warrior evolution. 

You owe it to yourself and to your neighbors to start stabbing your wall. Show the world who you are and earn yourself several noise complaints filed by your local police department. 

My final note of advice: If the noise issues eventually result in you being arrested, the state may sentence you to mandatory therapy. Reject this. Strip yourself of your clothes and go live in the wild. Find a wall there, away from everyone else, then stab it.